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Dan called me to his room. He looked perplexed and asked “who are all these people Barbara?”

I looked around the room. On the walls there were posters of various people and events. On his dresser were pictures of his mother, late partner and various friends who were no longer alive. The sun was shining through the windows, and there was gentle music playing in the background.

It seemed to anyone looking at the scene that Dan and I were alone. But were we?

I looked at Dan, smiled, and said “Dan, these are your guides.”
He smiled and relaxed back on the pillows, closing his eyes. “Oh good. I thought they would never get here. It’s almost time isn’t it?”

“Yes it is. Are you ready?”

“Yes…it’s been a long time.” I looked out the window into the court yard. Dan had been living at the hospice for longer that I had been there.

When I arrived 3 years earlier, he had filled me in on what it was like to have AIDS. He taught me about the culture, what it was like to watch all of your friends die and wonder when your turn was coming.

Dan’s question was not unusual. I had heard various renditions of the same question over the years prior and since Dan’s death. By the time I met Dan, death was not a stranger to me…professionally and personally. I had seen and experienced things that science cannot explain and indeed many just dismiss.

Living creatures are made up of energy. It’s our Spirit or Soul I suppose. We can feel it. Often times we can see it. We know when it’s there, and we know when it’s gone. Occasionally, we are blessed to see it leave.

Dan.
Greg.
Paul.
Shelly.
Claudia.
Michael.
Steve.
John.
Mitch.

These are just some of the countless names of men and women who taught me how to live while dying.

Years previous to this, I was introduced to Indian poet Rabindranath Tagore. This poem touched me deeply as I still had unfinished business around my fathers death when I was 16. I still carry this poem with me today.

Peace, my heart, let the time for parting be sweet.
Let it not be a death, but completeness.
Let love melt into memory and pain into songs.
Let the flight through the sky end in the folding of the wings over the nest.
Let the last touch of your hands be gentle like the flower of the night.
Stand still, O Beautiful End, for a moment, and say your last words in silence.
I bow to you and hold up my lamp to light you on your way.

Rabindranath Tagore, poem 61, published 1914 in “The Gardener”.

A week later, I watched Dan smile and then saw his Spirit leave his body and move on to what is next. His guides gently leading the way.

Thank you Dan.

(c)2005
Barbara C. Phillips, NP is a board certified Geriatric and Family Nurse Practitioner with more than a few decades of experience. She is the founder of OlderWiserWomen where women are inspired to the freedom, magic, and wisdom of successful aging. Visit http://www.OlderWiserWomen.com for your copy of “Celebrating You: 50 Tips for Vibrant Living.”

Dedicated to my mother, Florence

November 11, 1920 - May 25, 2005

The Passing of the Torch

She lies in peaceful repose on her back with her hands, one atop the other, gently resting on her tummy. Those hands that loved to play the piano, taught me how to make the most delicious fudge, brushed my hair, held hundreds of books, gracefully parted the air during Tai Chi practice, pounded a career of typewriters, peeled logs in preparation for their new home, produced many a midnight sewing machine creation and, most importantly, held her children close to her heart.

Her nurse and youngest daughter dress her in her mauve outfit, so complementary to her silver hair. A rose is placed on her chest and special little mementos from loved ones circle her pillow: A fire agate from a firefighter grandson, pictures of grandchildren and great grandchildren, a small bag of pebbles, a miniature sombrero, a stuffed Sugar Bear, each holding special significance of a treasured memory.

In the three days following the stroke she had not regained consciousness. She was waiting for us. Her children, several grandchildren and even two great grandchildren manage to reach her side to say goodbye. The telephone is placed to her ear while others share their love with her one last time. My siblings and I hold vigil during those final three days, talking to her, holding her hands, giving kisses and helping the nurses keep her comfortable.

On this final day we watch silently as the lifting and falling of her breast becomes slower and more shallow until finally it lifts no more. Her journey is completed and I know that Dad has come to get her.

I wrap my arms around her still form one last time, lay my head on her chest, kiss her cheeks and promise her I will still have tea with her every Saturday afternoon.

I am the last family member to spend some private final moments with her. I know that when I leave this room I will never see her again. It strikes me that for the first time in five decades of living I am now motherless, that I no longer have a Mum with whom to have tea. This is not a thought that I can comprehend. I am trying to leave the room but keep going back to her to give her one more kiss telling her I just can’t leave her. I know I must but it is the most difficult thing I have ever done. How can she just be gone? The one constant in my life since the day I was born? This is so surreal. My mind just cannot wrap around it.

Death is so FINAL. Life IS so short. Our lives are filled with “doing” and yet our most common disease is procrastination, as if we will always have time to get around to it. Never more, in our time, has the setting of priorities been so important. It is so true that when our lives come to a close, among what we may regret most are things we did not do for ourselves or with our loved ones.

Is there anything that you have been putting off for yourself that you know is right and good? Have you put yourself low on the ladder until some project is finished. Are you bowing to the expectancies of others at your own expense? Why not read that book that’s been set aside for months while you intend to get to it? Always wanted to visit some area of the world, but have only just talked about it?

You really can actually set a goal, small or large, and make it happen.

How about those whom you love? Putting off that call, letter, that visit, that little errand you could do? How would you feel if that person were suddenly just not here anymore?

Imagine yourself or someone you love facing the end of days right now. What regrets would you have?

Don’t let death be your cure for procrastination.

Mum was with me when I drew my first breath and I had the honour of being with her when she took her last. The circle is completed and I have no regrets.

God bless you Mum. ‘Till we meet again for Heavenly High Tea, I love you.

(c)Copyright Lynn Moore 2005

About the Author:

Lynn Moore is a Life Coach specializing in Personal Empowerment. Especially for those struggling with work/life balance. As she wears the hats of woman, wife, mother, grandmother, daughter, aunt, sister and Life Coach (among many other “headdresses”), she provides “A Gentle, Consistent Toe to the Tush inspiring you to create change.” You can access much more information/inspiration by visiting her Angel in Army Boots website at http://www.CoachAngelBoots.com

A lot of times when I am reading people on the site I notice
people talking about having a “bad reading.” By that they
usually mean that the psychic pulled a so-called “bad” cards,
such as the Devil, The Tower of the Ten of Swords, in answer to
their question. First of all, you need to realize that there is
no such thing as a “bad” reading. Usually “bad” means that the
reader pulled cards that don’t agree with your idea of what the
desired answer to your question should be. Many of the “bad”
cards are cards that indicate change. Most people fear or resist
change as we all have a basic fear of the unknown. There are a
few cards in the Tarot that I know put the fear of God into
trembling clients. These are the Tower, The Devil card, the Ace
of Swords, the Ten of Swords and the Nine of Swords. Of them
all, possibly the worst one, in terms of sheer bad luck is the
Ten of Swords, which can indicate cruelty from another person.
The Ten of Swords usually indicates that a strange twist of fate
as well as the wresting of control of your life into another’s
hands. The Nine of Swords, on the other hand, indicates an
emotional anguish that may be perpetrated by the questioner. In
other words you may be doing it to yourself by holding on to a
drama or an emotional drama from the past. In some ways that
card is actually lucky as it shows that you hold the key to your
own psychological prison and have the power to let yourself out.
When I see the Nine of Swords in a reading, I know there is
still hope for the individual to regain control over his or her
life. It usual indicates that the person is willingly
relinquishing or giving control to someone else. This is much
different than the Ten of Swords indicates that the questioner
is truly more helpless, may be suffering a genuine loss or is
the victim of genuine cruelty. Saturn, the planet of discipline
and limitations, rules the Ace of Swords. Although this card can
represent a loss, it is also a card that bodes the swift, just
and righteous conclusion of a matter. There is not usually great
suffering along with the Ace of Swords although the changes it
can bring can be a bit of a shock to the nervous system of the
questioner. This card also has a positive twist to in the sense
that it can mean that you have paid a huge debt to your Bank of
Karma. Ultimately, the Ace of Swords represents a change. For
better or worse, this change is usually the right one for you.
The Devil card does not always bode gloom and doom. Sometimes it
means fun and games. It represents the most playful part of
human nature. It represents all Seven of the Deadly Sins. If you
don’t like food, sex and material things, then you might
definitely see the devil card as being bad. In a love reading it
can mean that a relationship will finally be consummated or the
beginning of an affair. It can also be seen as a good card in a
business reading as it can mean the signing of a contract. It
can also represent a manipulative move that is about to be made
that is actually to one’s advantage. As it is a card that
represents civilization and man’s triumph over nature (often
interpreted by many as God’s intentions), it bodes well for
creativity, innovation and invention. Also where the card is
positioned in the spread can have a great impact on the severity
of its meaning. For instance if you are asking about having an
affair with a married man and you pull the Devil card in the
immediate future, then that card would be good news for you.
However, if you were the wife asking, “is my husband cheating on
me” the answer would have more negative implications. If you
pull the Tower card, but positive cards surround it, it can mean
the collapse of a situation for the better. If the Tower card is
in the position that describes, “How others see you” you might
simply be a drama queen rather than facing any real trouble in
your life. This is why it is important not to jump conclusions
or react immediately if the psychic seems to pull a card that
has a reputation as a ‘bad card’. These cards are like clouds.
Many of them boast silver linings. Also, after getting a reading
it is important to remember that what you are hearing is not
necessarily “absolutely gospel.” The true purpose of Tarot is to
allow you to conceptualize the situation, so even if you get
“bad cards”, you have the opportunity to prepare for these
changes or even in some cases, completely avoid them. Ultimately
there is no such thing as a “bad” reading and if you fear the
outcome of a reading, there is really no point in torturing
yourself. Many people so fear the so-called “bad” Tarot cards to
the extent that they actually manifest them in the spread as the
psychic can attach to their hopes and fears. The best thing to
do is ask the question and then be prepared to be accountable
for your own reactions to the cards as the psychic is not
“liable” ethically or emotionally to suffer your displeasure or
anxiety. Asking a question of the Tarot, without fear, desire or
anxiety attached to the matter, is the best way to receive the
most accurate answer.

Whenever things go wrong, who is at fault? Some people look for anyone to blame but themselves. That generally causes problems. But equally, if not more problematic is the habit of blaming yourself. Whenever something happens, do you think about how you screwed up? Do you look to see how you are ruining things for other people? Low self image, which goes hand in hand with depression at times, can lead you to blaming yourself for most things. No matter what happens, you start looking for reasons why it is your fault instead of someone else’s; begin apologizing to everyone for how you screwed up.

The first step in correcting this is building up your self-esteem. That is also the hardest step. You need to start to accept that sometimes things just happen and it is not your fault. Not everything is caused by you, and not everything is something that you can control - if you can’t control it, don’t apologize for it.

The next thing to do is stop internalizing the guilt. In some people, pride is fleeting, but guilt will last for days. While not feeling any guilt is problematic, so is feeling guilty for days on end. Instead, you want to process feelings of guilt, learn from them and move on. But it’s still important to make sure that these are not misplaced feelings of guilt. Make sure you are only feeling guilty for things that you are able to control. If the train is late, it isn’t your fault and there’s nothing you can do about it. Don’t feel the need to apologize. By eliminating the guilt, smiling becomes a little easier.

Learn to alleviate your depression at http://www.curemydepression.com

Is it possible to mourn the loss of a beloved spouse and, while still grieving, to not only meet someone special, but fall in love and begin to build a new relationship that includes a commitment to sharing your lives? Can we overlap our loving and our grieving? The answer is a profound: YES! But, to smooth the path, keep these helpful Do’s and Don’ts in mind:

• Do allow yourself the joy of healing and moving on.

• Do allow yourself to feel good when this happens.

• Don’t feel guilty. You have been respectful, loving and caring towards your late spouse. Time has passed. It is healthy to want your life to move forward. Try to recognize your emotions every step of the way and not shy away from inner scrutiny, or back off from facing your emotions.

• Do know that it is possible to combine families with adult children no longer living at home.

• Do know that it will not always be smooth sailing; there will be moments of arguments and disagreements to work through.

Commonly, jealousy, fear, abandonment and money issues come up, even for your grown children. Will he leave “her” in “his” will? Will he forget about us? Will he respect our grieving? Be aware that often even the adult child feels, “I am not ready for this.” I want my dad/mom to be happy but not so fast….I’m still grieving for my mom/dad; I’m not ready to think about a “replacement” for his or her love. It may be hard for children at any age to fully understand that the bereaved are lonely and, if the widow or widower had a good marriage, this can further motivate the longing for another partner. There is also the sense of urgency, i.e., “time is running out and life will not go on forever”.

Tactfulness, thoughtfulness, and consideration for the feelings of children of all ages are so important, as well as the understanding that fathers and mothers grieve differently than their children who have their own important timetable. One cannot hurry the process of your grief, your adult children leading their own lives, or that of younger children.

While you want your life to move forward, a sensitive and understanding parent needs to recognize and be especially responsive to the needs of children living at home; children who are grieving the loss of their mother or father. The child needs the “daddy” or “mommy” that’s left. They need them to be emotionally available. Equally important, children commonly have expectations that they have exclusive rights to this parent. Dealing with young children still at home, requires an added set of challenges.

• Do listen carefully to what your child is, and is not saying.

• Do not have a new partner or romantic interest stay overnight too soon.

• Do be sensitive about the messages that you are giving your children about this new person in your life.

• Don’t have someone spend the night until they are special in your life, so that your child doesn’t feel the emotional confusion of a string of overnight guests.
• Do continue to impart important values to your child, reinforcing that love is special. Remember your behavior as a role model for your youngster.

• Do understand that someone new entering your life is confusing for your child and may come along with resentments needing to be understood and dealt with.

• Do be aware that the children are smart and can resent a new “mother,” even if she is not posed as such.

Grieving adults are entitled to happiness. Yet the grieving family members may experience confusion, conflict and rage. “I want mom back.” “I never wanted her to leave.” I want you (as my parent) not to be alone….but I’m not ready for this. Sometimes, it can’t be articulated but felt.

Keeping the channels of communication open for discussion, dialogue and sharing of experiences requires listening, and not necessarily agreeing. Each party needs to be heard and wants to be understood. Joy is to be treasured; the challenge lies in working it out in a way that is respectful to all family members.

Marilyn Stolzman, Ph.D., L.M.F.T is the co-author with Gloria Lintermans of THE HEALING POWER OF LOVE: Transcending the Loss of a Spouse to New Love, http://www.championpress.com.

Los Angeles-based Dr. Marilyn Stolzman became a professional counselor specializing in bereavement. She created and directs the non-profit Southern California bereavement and transition support program, H.O.P.E. UNIT FOUNDATION, which offers a life-affirming two-year support group program.

The literature supports that people do 50 percent better if they attend a bereavement group. It helps people to “normalize” feelings and receive validation and feedback from each other and from the therapists. People know they are not alone, not isolated. Group support makes people recognize that they are not going crazy. There is comfort in knowing that others feel the same way.

​

There is no such thing as a worthless conversation provided you know what to listen for and questions are the breath of life for a conversation. — James Nathan Miller

The shortest distance between two communication points is shared meaning – why are we communicating at all? To listen means to receive the information unfiltered and respond appropriately to the message. The goal of the listener is to get the message. Listen for the intent. Listen for the action. What does the person really want you to know, do or think as a result of the dialogue?

To reach the goal an effective listener must:

1. Attend – Make a conscious decision to listen. Make eye contact and give full attention to the speaker. Concentrate on the message and block out all distractions.

2. Engage – Demonstrate interest and encourage the speaker through verbal and non-verbal cueing. Show an openness toward the speaker and prompt by nodding or saying things like “please continue…” or “go on…”.

3. Suspend – Exercise patience and suspend judgment about what is being said. Don’t try to evaluate whether the speaker is saying the right thing or saying it the right way. Hear the message as it is being delivered and ask for clarification if necessary without accusing, blaming or demanding.

4. Learn – Be open to ideas, views and opinions that may differ from your own. Every conversation is a learning opportunity if you use it gain insight and perspective about the speaker rather than using the speaker’s words to create a platform for your own thoughts.

5. Connect – Check in with the speaker. It allows for building collaboratively toward the message learning along the way. Find the connections to the speaker’s ideas, their intents and most importantly the actions that they want in return. Use questions for clarification to build toward the message.

To build connection the listener should ask about the speaker’s GOAL:

• What are we trying to accomplish?
• How much time do we have (you need) for discussion?
• How quickly do you need a response?
• Can you give me a headline?
• Is there a particular theme that I should listen for?

Ask questions for clarification of the speaker’s INTENT:

• Do you need me simply to listen?
• Would you like my opinion?
• Are you asking for assistance?
• Do you need my agreement?

Ask for clarification of terms or WORDS:

• When you say report do you mean a formal document or a status update?
• You mentioned campaign…is that the marketing or the giving campaign?
• When you said best solution…are you speaking in terms of price or quality?
• When you say Friday do you mean this Friday or next Friday?

Summarize the speaker’s MESSAGE?

• If I understand you correctly…
• You’ve outlined our next steps for the project…
• What I heard you say was…
• To recap the conversation…

Confirm understanding of speaker’s need for ACTION or RESPONSE?

• How would like for me to proceed?
• What would like for me to do with the information?
• What would you like (do you need) me to do or not do?
• My role then would be to…

As you listen with purpose and ask linking rather than leading questions, the answers you receive will signal how close you are to the heart of the speaker’s message and what the speaker wants and needs from you in return.

Valarie is CEO of Think 6 Results — a knowledge broker passionate about learning and improving performance in organizations. She’s a writer, presenter, and executive coach on a mission to get every employee and organization focused on and thinking about the SIX business driving goals that matter.

We want you to share this article with others. Feel free to copy this article when you include the copyright and contact information listed below.

Contact Valarie at washington@think6results.com or by calling 630-705-1189. Visit us at http://www.Think6Results.com.

Today there’s an ever-increasing emphasis on gossip, which is played out in any number of Reality TV shows, in celebrity gossip shows and in the print media (e.g., The National Enquirer sells more than 3 million copies each week).

In company offices, in meetings, on the phone, in emails, in social settings and around the water cooler, people are spending more time talking about someone else – in language that is most often harmful, hurtful, critical, demeaning, and judgmental — and outside the presence of the one who is the subject of the conversation.

Whereas, in the past, we might have viewed gossip in the workplace as playful, “idle”, and “just kidding,” gossip today has taken on a tone of abuse, a tone of violence. Gossip, in fact, is a form of personal attack. We also engage in gossip as a way of avoiding personal responsibility for our feelings of frustration, irritation and anger by acting out through gossip and focusing our personal discontent on another.

Gossip is an emotional cancer in the workplace that eats away at the sense of well-being of the individual and the team.

One of the hallmarks of a true “team” is shared values — including mutual honesty, trust and respect. Where gossip rears its ugly head, these shared values are nonexistent. In fact, when gossip exists in the workplace, there can be no “team”. The label “team” is meaningless. At best, there is but a “group.”

Contrary to popular opinion, gossip is not benign; it’s not idle; it’s not tame; it’s not “for the fun of it”. It’s certainly not entertainment.

Moreover, gossip in the workplace is not a problem; it is a symptom — indicating a lack of well-being in one’s own mind-body-spirit integration. In addition, a workplace culture and environment where gossip flourishes indicates a lack of well-being in the body of the organization.

Gossip is a very real pernicious and insidious form of workplace violence.

The word “violence” is a strong word and a work we commonly associate with physical aggression.

The Random House Dictionary of English points to “violence of speech and distortion.” Thus, while we may wish to consider the way we talk as not being violent, in fact, our words in the context of gossip often lead to hurt, pain and suffering.

In my “Gossip – A Form of Workplace Violence” workshops, I define gossip as “any language that is most often harmful, hurtful, critical, demeaning and judgmental — and outside the presence of the one who is the subject or target of the conversation.”

Gandhi used the term “nonviolence” as it refers to our natural state of being loving and compassionate — when there is no violence in our heart or in our mind. In fact, gossip is not present, not even possible, when we’re in our natural state of acceptance, compassion and tolerance.

So, when dealing with gossip in the workplace, it’s critical to explore not only the symptom, but also the root cause of this particular aspect of workplace violence.

And, to discover root causes, it’s well to begin with a powerful question: “Why do I choose to gossip?”

One approach to answering this question is to be curious about our history around gossip. If gossiping is part of our character and personality now, there’s a good chance that we have been conditioned to gossip, that gossiping has become part of our wiring which we bring everyday to our workplace.

Exploring our history around gossiping, and reflecting on our past and present need to gossip, at work, at home and at play, we can ask ourselves three questions:

1.What’s my experience as the one who is gossiping?

2.What’s my experience been as the one who has been the target of gossip?, and

3.On a scale of 1-10, to what degree does gossiping take up a greater part of my time and energy?

Honest and responsible responses to these questions can give us some insights into our personal relationship with gossip and about any habits and instincts we may have to gossip.

A second approach to exploring the “Why do I gossip?” question is to look at what gossip gets us — in other words, what our motivations for gossiping are.

In other words, “Why am I willingly (consciously or unconsciously) choosing to cause another person harm, hurt, upset, or pain?” The old WIIFM (”What’s in it for me?”) question.

Since no one of us is born gossiping, how is it that some of us develop into individuals who have a desire, need or obsession to engage in a such a violent or toxic behavior like gossip?

The short answer is that each of us grows up with three basic psycho-social needs: the need for control, the need for security and the need for recognition.

The reality is that because many of us feel we’re not in control of our lives, or feel we’re not receiving adequate attention, acknowledgment and recognition, or feel insecure within ourselves, we look outside our self for ways to “feel good” and to “feel better” about life and about our world. While there are many ways to meet these three needs, one of the most blatant and egregious ways we meet these three needs at work is through gossiping.

In other words, by preoccupying ourselves with the life, or activities of another person, by being critical of them, by being judgmental of them, by being dishonest about them, by betraying them, and by putting them down, through the act of gossip, we feel we are lifting ourselves up.

So, when we are experiencing feelings of inferiority, insecurity, deficiency, and lack, or when we are feeling like a “nobody” and have a need to feel like a “somebody,” we often believe we can gain some sense of control, recognition, approval or security by engaging in discussions about others, by gossiping.

So, by asking ourselves, with honesty, sincerity and self-responsibility:

Why do I gossip?
Why, really, do I gossip?
Why, really, really, do I gossip?
Why really, really, really do I gossip?

And

What does gossip get me?
What, really, does gossip get me?
What, really, really, does gossip get me?
What, really, really, really, does gossip get me?

…we can begin to explore the root causes of why we gossip and why we choose to allow the violence of gossip to permeate much of our workplace behavior and why in our workplace we so often gossip in an attempt to feel good about ourselves in some conscious or unconscious way at the expense of harming another.

(c) 2006, Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D. All rights in all media reserved.

Peter G. Vajda, Ph.D, is co-founder of SpiritHeart, an Atlanta,
GA firm specializing in coaching, counseling and facilitating.
Peter’s expertise focuses on personal, business and relationship
coaching. He is a professional speaker and published author. For
more information about his services, email Peter at
pvajda@spiritheart.net.

In this article I write about my personal experiences with depression and about how I have learnt to cope and to even eradicate it. I am sure that I am not alone in the fact that I have regular periods of my life when I am depressed, but knowing this fact does not make it any easier for me. I hope you enjoy reading the article.

I have recently spoken to my parents about the subject of my depression. My mother has said that she thinks we have some kind of depression gene as most of our family suffer from similar symptoms.

I have as recently as last week suffered with a severe bout of this depression, however from it I learnt a valuable lesson. I had been having a bad period in my life where seemingly everything was going wrong. It was one kick in the teeth after each other. I had nothing to look forward to and decided that I needed a night out with my friends. There was one intention that I had in mind which was to get as drunk as possible.

The next day I felt really ill and hungover after having a very late night and as planned a huge amount of alcohol. For the whole day I struggled to stay awake and as the day wore on I became more and more depressed. The negative side of my brain had taken over my whole head and it seemed like there was a whole bunch of negative chemicals running through my body.

The lesson I have learnt is that is not a good idea to go out drinking alcohol if you are feeling low and depressed.

When I was speaking to my parents about my latest period of anxiety and depression, they gave me some interesting and useful advice. They asked me to think about all of the things and aspects of my life that were getting me down. What I then needed to do was to talk about them and to think positive by attempting to find solutions to each of these problems.

This is not at all easy to do but is something I now try. I have realised that it is good to talk about our fears and phobias and that there is nothing wrong with admitting that you are stressed and depressed.

I hope I will not have to live with these regular bouts of depression for the rest of my life as I have to say I hate it, especially when it means I can not get any sleep during a night, which happens quite regularly for me. I will however look for more ways of beating my depression when it does occur.

I now try to think positive in all situations, life is far too short to be always worrying about everything. I have also started to read a lot of self-help books, these have taught me quite a lot of new things and have given me many new ideas.

Stephen Hill helps to promote a number of websites including:

stuttering

guide to playing poker

quit smoking tips

Death is not something that many people want to think about.
However, death is a part of living a human life. At least, our
current level of science and technology acknowledges that death
is inevitable.

Is death something to be afraid of or is death something to look
forward too? The answer may depend on who you talk to.

Aside from the obvious religious answers, what body of
information exists that can help us to approach this question
with some degree of logical thinking? When exacting scientific
evidence is lacking, our only option is to consider the
anecdotal or subjective experiences that others have had.

Fortunately, there is a body of information that leads to the
formation of some interesting thoughts on the subject of death
and what it is or what it might lead too. You can find this
resource at near-death.com.

Each person is encouraged to draw their own conclusions. Yet, I
would like to share some of my thoughts and opinions on the
matter.

Many people who have a near-death experience have strikingly
similar experiences. There are some who report a horrible
experience but the majority report more positive experiences.

Some may have gone to a terrible place, while others seem to
leave the pain of the mortal body behind and experience an
interesting journey before they revive. Both kinds of
experiences have been recorded.

One striking similarity is the ‘life review’ process. This has
been reported as a review of one’s entire life where each event
is played out before your eyes. People that have experienced
this process say that you suddenly become aware of how you
affected the people you interacted with during your life.

If you did something that caused them pain, you may become
cognizant of those feelings as if you were experiencing them
yourself. People report that they feel regretful. The experience
doesn’t just extend to that one person, but the effects are like
a ripple in a pond and you see how that ripple affects multiple
people.

On the other hand, if you did something good you experience that
as well. It does appear that the good things involve acting from
compassion. For example, one lady said the most significant act
of her entire life occurred when she was a little girl. She
cupped a flower in her hand and gave it ‘unconditional love’.

Others don’t experience an in depth life review, theirs lasts a
few seconds and doesn’t seem to have much impact. Experiences
vary someowhat. However, the fundamental similarities remain.

Can a person change as a result of a near-death experience? I
was struck by the example of one person who was a self described
atheist and hateful person. After his near-death experience he
became a minister and a kinder, gentler soul. The change was not
only noted by himself, but also by his family members.

Wouldn’t it be fascinating to actually talk to a person who has
had a near-death experience? I remember listening to a gentleman
named Dannion Brinkley talk about his NDEs (near death
experiences). He actually had more than one in his life due to
an unfortunate propensity to attract lightning. I found his
insights to be very interesting.

If you want to read more about NDEs, visit near-death.com
Although it is hard to classify the information there as
anything more than subjective, there is a large body of recorded
experiences there. Perhaps it will provide you with more insight
as to whether death should be feared or not.

INTRODUCTION

Suicide is one of the commonest causes of death among young
people. The latest mean worldwide annual rates of suicide per
100,000 are 0.5 for females and 0.9 for males among
5-14-year-olds, and 12.0 for females and 14.2 for males among
15-24-year-olds. Suicide is the sixth leading cause of death
among children aged 5-14 years, and the third leading cause of
death among all those 15-24 years old. In most countries, males
outnumber females in youth suicide statistics. There are far
more suicidal attempts and gestures than actual completed
suicides. One epidemiological study estimated that there were 23
suicidal gestures and attempts for every completed suicide.
Though female teens are much more likely to attempt suicide than
males, male teens are more likely to actually kill themselves.

The suicide rate among young teens and young adults has
increased by more than 300% in the last three decades. Social
changes that might be related to the rise in adolescent suicide
include an increased incidence of childhood depression and
decreased family stability. Some researchers argue that economic
and political institutions have penetrated the family unit,
reducing it to a consumer unit no longer able to function as a
support system, and no longer able to supply family members with
a sense of stability and rootedness. Awareness of the existing
state of the world, now threatened by sophisticated methods of
destruction, can cause depression which contributes to the
adolescent’s sense of frustration, helplessness, and
hopelessness. Faced with these feelings and lacking coping
mechanisms, adolescents can become overwhelmed and turn to
escapist measures such as drugs, withdrawal, and ultimately
suicide.

The rising rate has also been explained as a reaction to the
stress inherent in adolescence compounded by increasing stress
in the environment. Adolescence is a time when ordinary levels
of stress are heightened by physical, psychological, emotional,
and social changes. Adolescents suffer a feeling of loss for the
childhood they must leave behind, and undergo an arduous period
of adjustment to their new adult identity. Yet society alienates
adolescents from their new identity by not allowing them the
rights and responsibilities of adulthood. They are no longer
children, but they are not accorded the adult privileges of
expressing their sexuality or holding a place in the work force.
Our achievement-oriented, highly competitive society puts
pressure on the teens to succeed, often forcing them to set
unrealistically high personal expectations. There is increased
pressure to stay in school, where success is narrowly defined
and difficult to achieve. In an affluent society which
emphasizes immediate rewards, adolescents are not taught to be
tolerant of frustration.

RISK FACTORS FOR SUICIDE

Contrary to popular belief, suicide is not an impulsive act but
the result of a three-step process: a previous history of
problems is compounded by problems associated with adolescence;
finally, a precipitating event, often a death or the end of a
meaningful relationship, triggers the suicide. The major,
empirically proven risk actors for suicide among adolescents are
detailed below.

PERSONAL CHARACTERISTICS

Psychopathology: More than 90% of youth suicides and
around 60% of younger adolescent suicide victims have had at
least one major psychiatric disorder. The most prevalent
disorder in adolescent suicide victims is depressive disorders.
Depression that seems to quickly disappear for no apparent
reason is a cause for concern, and the early stages of recovery
from depression can be a high risk period. Substance abuse,
conduct disorder, posttraumatic stress disorder and panic
attacks are the other disorders found to be common in this
population.

Previous suicide attempts: A history of prior suicide
attempts is one of the strongest predictors of completed
suicide, especially in boys. One quarter to one third of teen
suicide victims have made a previous suicide attempt.

Cognitive and personality factors: Hopelessness, poor
interpersonal problem solving ability and aggressive impulsive
behaviour have been linked with suicidality.

Biological factors: Some teens are at greater risk for
suicide because of their biochemical makeup. Abnormalities in
the function of serotonin, a neurotransmitter, have been
associated with suicidal behaviour.

FAMILY CHARACTERISTICS

Family history of suicidal behaviour: Teens who kill
themselves have often had a close family member who attempted or
committed suicide.

Parental psychopathology: High rates of parental
psychopathology, particularly depression and substance abuse,
have been found to be associated with completed suicide and
suicidal ideation and attempts in adolescents. Moreover, family
cohesion has been reported to be a protective factor for
suicidal behaviour among adolescents.

ADVERSE LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES

Stressful life events: Life stressors such as
interpersonal losses and legal or disciplinary problems are
associated with completed suicide and suicide attempts in
adolescents. The anniversary of a loss can also evoke a powerful
desire to commit suicide.

Common problems preceding suicide attempts:

* School or work problems

* Difficulties with boyfriends or girlfriends

* Physical ill health

* Difficulties or disputes with parents, siblings or peers

* Depression

* Bullying

* Low self esteem

* Sexual problems

Physical abuse: Childhood physical abuse has been found
to be associated with increased risk of suicide attempts in late
adolescence and early adulthood.

SOCIOECONOMIC AND CONTEXTUAL FACTORS

School and work problems: Difficulties in school, neither
working nor being in school, dropping out of high school and not
attending college pose significant risks for completed suicide.

Contagion/Imitation: Teens are more likely to kill
themselves if they have recently read, seen, or heard about
other suicide attempts. Evidence continues to amass from studies
of suicide clusters and the impact of the media, supporting the
existence of suicide contagion. The impact of suicide stories on
subsequent competed suicides appears to be greatest for
teenagers.

PREVENTION STRATEGIES

Youth suicide prevention strategies have primarily been
implemented within three domains - school, community, and health
are systems. This article reviews the school-based programs in
detail and briefly describes the community based interventions.

SCHOOL-BASED SUICIDE PREVENTION PROGRAMS

School based suicide prevention programs include both curricula
components to teach students about these warning signs and what
to do, as well as non-curricula components such as peer groups,
hot lines, intervention services and parent training. Prevention
includes education efforts to alert students and the community
to the problem of teen suicidal behavior. Intervention with a
suicidal student is aimed at protecting and helping the student
who is currently in distress. Postvention occurs after there has
been a suicide in the school community. It attempts to help
those affected by the recent suicide. In all cases it is a good
idea to have a clear plan in place in advance. It should involve
staff members and administration. There should be clear
protocols and clear lines of communication. Careful planning can
make interventions more organized, and effective.

The goals of school based suicide prevention programs are to:

* Increase awareness

* Promote identification of students at high risk of suicide and
suicide attempts

* Provide knowledge about the behavioral characteristics
(”warning signs”) of teens at risk for suicide.

* Provide information to students, teachers and parents on the
availability of mental health resources

* Enhance the coping abilities of teenagers

Education: Education may be done in a health class, by
the school counselor or outside speakers. Education should
address the factors that make individuals more vulnerable to
suicidal thoughts. Education regarding the ill effects of drug
and alcohol abuse would be useful. PTA meetings can be used to
educate parents about depression and suicidal behavior. Parents
should be educated about the risk of unsecured firearms in the
home. Outside mental health professionals can discuss their
programs so that students can see that these individuals are
approachable. Education on the following topics will be useful:

Warning signs of suicide:

* Preoccupation with death and dying

* Signs of depression

* Taking excessive risks

* Increased drug use

* The verbalizing of suicide threats

* The giving away of prized personal possessions

* The collection and discussion of information on suicide methods

* The expression of hopelessness, helplessness, and anger at
oneself or the world

* Themes of death or depression evident in conversation, written
expressions, reading selections, or artwork

* The scratching or marking of the body, or other
self-destructive acts

* Acute personality changes, unusual withdrawal, aggressiveness,
or moodiness

* Sudden dramatic decline or improvement in academic
performance, chronic truancy or tardiness, or running away

* Physical symptoms such as eating disturbances, sleeplessness
or excessive sleeping, chronic headaches or stomachaches,
menstrual irregularities, apathetic appearance

Sudden changes in behavior that are significant, last for a long
time, and are apparent in all or most areas of his or her life
(pervasive) are more specific than presence of isolated signs.
However, it should be noted that many completed suicides had
only a few of the conditions listed above, and that all
indications of suicidality need to be taken seriously in a one
person to another person situation.

Signs of depression in teens:

* Sad, anxious or “empty” mood

* Declining school performance

* Loss of pleasure/interest in social and sports activities

* Sleeping too much or too little

* Changes in weight or appetite

Features of self harm that suggest high suicidal intent:

* Conducted in isolation

* Timed so that intervention is unlikely (for example, after
parents have gone to work)

* Precautions to avoid discovery

* Preparations made in anticipation of death (for example,
leaving indication of how belongings to be distributed)

* Adolescent told other people beforehand about thoughts of
suicide

* The act had been considered for hours or days beforehand

* Suicide note or message

* Adolescent did not alert others during or after the act

(Article continued in Part II)