Business, economic development - the unofficial Chamber of Commerce

Hello. Mr. Cheapie here again with three more fantastic I-can’t-believe-I-didn’t-think-of-that frugal shopping tips. I already gave you my best frugal eating tips at:
http://www.thehappyguy.com/frugal-living-tip.html

Now let’s move away from food, because it is to always important to buy the sizzle, not the steak. That’s the first tip. If the steak was any good, why would Madison Avenue spend all its efforts selling the sizzle?

Let’s face it, you don’t care which widget fits into the combotubulator under the hood; you just want a sporty new set of wheels painted in flamethrower red.

Here is how you negotiate down the price of a new vehicle. Just say, “No engine, please. No transmission. No coolant. Nothing under the hood, please. Nothing that doesn’t shine when I polish the car in my driveway.

You would be amazed at the astounding bargains you can negotiate on a new car with no engine. Plus, the car will weigh much less, so you will save on gas.

Next, head over to your favorite furniture superstore to buy a TV. Tip: NEVER buy a TV at an electronics store. They will try to sell you a whole bunch of useless and expensive features. The last thing you need is another 962 satellite channels that never seem to have anything on anyway.

Go straight to the wall unit section of the furniture store. They always display life-size cardboard TVs in this section. Most people leave their cardboard TVs behind when they pick up their wall units, so you can get yours for a song.

As a bonus, you always know what is showing on your new cardboard TV and you can save even more money by canceling that useless satellite or cable service.

Next, head to the office furniture section and check out the desks. See those cardboard computers?…

Apply this principal to any electronic equipment - telephones, microwave ovens, blenders. Imagine the fortune you can save just by saying “hold the steak.” If you’re a technophobe, you’ll be even happier.

But what if you really, really want the steak? Suppose you run out of ice cream, you’ve eaten all your foam mattresses and food stamps, and you are so hungry that you are willing to pay for the steak?

The second tip is to pay for the steak with online coupons. You don’t have to flip through flyers for coupons any more. For instance, I found this place that offers lots of free online coupons:
http://www.specialoffers.com

Coupon shopping does have its drawbacks, like the first time you try it you will find the coupons are extremely hard to cut (unless you took my advice and bought one of those really cool cardboard computers at the furniture superstore).

But you’ll get the hang of it, and before you know it you will save even more, because you can slash your scissors budget. Plus, you won’t have to clean up all the coupon clippings from the floor. And think of all the trees you will save.

My third tip is to bid at online auctions. Yeah, I know, you think auctions are only for antiques, multi-million dollar canvasses by dead people with funny accents and celebrity underwear.

But online is different. You can even bid on used chewing gum…which is why I advise being very careful what you bid on. For instance, I found this site:
http://www.farmandfieldauctions.com/fly-fishing-gear.html

Feel free to bid on used fly-fishing-gear. I am sure you will get a great deal. But stay away from any auction for used bait.

Notice all the used hunting supplies you can buy at:
http://www.farmandfieldauctions.com/hunting-supplies.html

However, you will also notice how few auctions there are for used moose meat. There is a reason for that. If aliens capture your brain and you are compelled to bid on used moose meat, please watch for the “urgent” label.

My best advice is not to bid on used chewing gun, used fishing bait or used moose meat. These have very little sizzle, and what steak they have is probably not very tasty.

Happy shopping.

About the Author

Mr. Cheapie is really David Leonhardt, a humor columnist:
http://www.TheHappyGuy.com/positive-thinking-free-ezine.html
Read more satire and funny stories:
http://www.thehappyguy.com/humor-articles.html
Buy his happiness book:
http://www.thehappyguy.com/happiness-self-help-book.html
Find personal growth articles for reprint
http://www.thehappyguy.com/self-actualization-articles.html

An 82-year-old woman was recently issued a ticket in California for crossing a street too slowly. A police officer, who arrived on a motorcycle, told her she was obstructing traffic – and issued her a summons for $114.

Responding to the uproar caused by the curious traffic ticket, the municipality has begun to wonder if it should work out ways to help seniors cross streets without fear of incurring a penalty.

It is, of course, much too optimistic to hope that the municipality and the nation at large will speed to their rescue with such startling innovations as walk signs that last longer.

As a result, seniors, alarmed by the pricy citation, particularly those who are living on social security, are taking steps of their own, as they frantically search for ways to hurry along. Of course, electric wheelchairs have long been an option. But many simply don’t see themselves in the undeniably helpful items, at least, not until they encounter accidents due to the other resources they’ve been turning to, for instance, roller skates.

We also understand that bicycles have been selling briskly, particularly near retirement communities.

Of course, those who are fortunate enough to live with more able partners have the luxury of looking into other options, such as little red wagons and, in rural areas, wheelbarrows.

In a nutshell, seniors are turning to every possible mode of expedition they can think of, which generally means they’re equipped with the age-old facilitation of wheels.

While these alternative modes of transportation might offer suitable answers during balmier times, there is some concern about what to do when snow and ice cover the ground. Among the more daring sorts, there is talk of skis, while others are considering ice skates.

Until then, we can at least be glad that the dear recipient of the instigating ticket was not also issued points. Enough of those, and she’d have to be concerned about losing her walking license.

Tom Attea, creator of Newslaugh.com, has had six shows produced Off-Broadway and has written comedy for TV. Critics have called his writing “”delightfully funny” and “witty” with “good, genuine laughs.”